We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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