Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
