how can u be prego again
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
