ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i came on her dog
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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