I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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