There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i love accidental penises.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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