I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
