haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
