What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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