Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
