what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
