she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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