my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
