I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
