I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Can I color on your dick again?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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