I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
