Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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