Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
