Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize