Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
