I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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