It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
