So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Two words: blizzard sex
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
