dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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