Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
