Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
