he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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