what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
