Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
