I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
