why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
