A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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