Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
