3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
