I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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