Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
