My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize