I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
