He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
