I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize