It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
