My room smells like vodka and shame
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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