Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
