Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
