Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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