god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize