When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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