End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
