You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
