Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
