this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
