I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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