my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
