I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's rum buckets o'clock
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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