So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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