So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wear drunk well.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
