I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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