I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i will never coherently bang her
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
