remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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