im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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