He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize