My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
