Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
