The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
