god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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