I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize