I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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